Tag: funny

As Whole Foods arrives, hope departs.

As Whole Foods arrives, hope departs. Ethnic restaurants will be replaced with half an aisle dedicated to “international ingredients.” Greek will be the only variety of yogurt and the quality of kale will be as high as the rent for an alcove studio. Lana Del Rey will be elected to the city’s council. There will be a great migration of former residents to more affordable housing. As they are loading their U-Hauls, one of them, a man without a ukulele, will look to the heavens and ask “Why?” He will hear the voice whisper a single word: “Kombucha.”

Gmail Writing Emails

Here are a few of the responses that come pre-programmed in the updated Gmail Inbox app:

Mom, you’ve already sent me this article about bacon causing cancer, like, 5 times.

Mom, yes, I listened to your voice message. Thank you for also e-mailing me everything you said in that message. But it’s July. Do we really need to start discussing Thanksgiving plans already?

I’m not entirely sure how you managed to sign the whole family up for these automated USA Today updates on the bacon cancer story. Kudos, I guess.

And now you’re using that thread to plan Thanksgiving. Great.

On Apple Picking

“I have never met or heard of someone coming to our Eastern Washington apple-growing region to pick apples for leisure. It must be an East Coast or urban thing.” Pheasant Orchards found the idea of picking for fun “hilarious and sad,” a reflection of just how estranged from nature modern Americans must feel. “We don’t try to build our own furniture, or cars. We don’t feel the need to go to the forest ourselves to cut a tree down when we need lumber. Our economy has raised people’s quality of life by becoming more efficient and productive. I don’t understand why we want to go backwards when it comes to agriculture.”